Love
Letters
Antonio,
Hello. I’m sure you weren’t expecting to hear from me, especially not so soon, but I couldn’t help it. I miss you, and I felt like I just had to contact you. I needed to see how you were doing, to make sure that you were all right. It’s only been two weeks since I left, but I feel like it’s been an eternity. The past fourteen days have been the longest of my life. Sometimes I just stare at the phone, willing it to ring. Hoping that it’s Meg, or Maria, or Vanessa calling to see how I am. Or you, of course.
I’m staying with my sister. Does that surprise you? I know it surprises me. I looked her up when I arrived in San Francisco, planning on talking to her and I did. We talked…and talked…and talked. About everything from Sunset Beach (I told her everything that happened…she told me a lot about when she had been there too.) to our father. She ended up asking me to stay with her and her fiancé, Mark, at least until I could find a place of my own. History repeats itself, huh? Well, you don’t have to worry. I have no intention of seducing Mark. He’s a great guy and I can see why Paula loves him. He kind of reminds me of you…well, maybe it’s all in my mind. Everyone I see seems to remind me of you. I guess that’s because I miss you so much.
Well…since it’s has only been a couple of weeks, there’s not much to say. I hope you don’t resent me for leaving. It would kill me to know that. I only want the best for you, and for your brother. I want you two to love each other like you should. I hope that’s happening. I hope I didn’t leave for anything.
Sincerely,
Gabi Martinez
Dear Ricardo,
How are you doing? I know it’s strange that I’m writing you, but I felt like there were a lot of things left unfinished between us. Things unsaid, undone. Maybe it’s best that way, but I don’t really think so. You have to know that I did – and do – love you very much. Nothing about what I feel for you changed, even when I realized that I loved Antonio, too. What I felt for the two of you was very different. You were the man that saved me from myself. You were my protector, the one who taught me that I could love. I loved you for that. Antonio…he was my best friend. He took one look at me and knew my soul inside and out. I loved him for that. Both of you are very important and very special to me. I will never let either of you out of my heart. Please answer this letter, Ricardo. Let me know that you understand.
All my love,
Gabi
Dear Gabi,
I’m really glad that you decided to write to me so soon. I’ve been driving myself insane worrying about you. How are you? How’s Paula doing? It’s really great that you and she have found each other. You need someone to be close to now, and your sister if the perfect person. You two can finally form the kind of connection that you should have had from the beginning of your relationship.
I miss you too, Gabi. A lot. I have to admit, more than I ever thought it was possible to miss someone. Sometimes during the day I’ll find of something really neat and think to myself ’I’ll have to show this to Gabi’ and then I’ll remember...you’re not here to show it to, or to talk to...or to go and see when I’m feeling down or lonely. I didn’t realize how much I depended on you, Gabi. I feel like part of me is missing now. I feel like I’m slowly letting something that I’ll never be able to get back slip away from me. Like there’s something I should be doing that I’m not. I think I know what it is, but I feel foolish even writing it down. Maybe someday I’ll tell you, but I can’t now...
Write me back, please, I’ll be waiting eagerly for your next letter.
With love,
Antonio Torres
I’m so glad that you wrote me back! And your letter was so honest and touching…just like you are. I shouldn’t have expected less from such an honest and loving man. Everything that you said when you wrote…I feel that too. Like part of me is missing, an important part. I don’t want to lose that. Reading you letter…it seemed to give some of that crucial piece back to me. I hope my letters do the same for you.
When you wrote, you didn’t say anything about Ricardo. Did you just forget, or was that on purpose? I’m sorry if it’s a delicate subject for you, but I can’t help but wonder how he’s doing. I’m sure you know that out divorce has been finalized. I think he’s seeing about getting an annulment, but I don’t know anything about those things so I’ll leave that up to him.
In your next letter, please tell me about everything that’s happening in Sunset Beach. I would love to get caught up on how everyone is doing. You don’t know how much I miss everyone… Sunset Beach was the first place that I ever really thought of as home and it was awful to leave and know that I was never coming back. That I didn’t belong there anymore.
Antonio, I do want you to know that I am truly sorry for all of the pain that I caused you over the past two years. You were the last person that I wanted to hurt, please believe that. I didn’t want to hurt anyone…but pain just seems to touch everyone that I care about.
Love,
Gabi
Dear Ricardo,
You didn’t write me back. I suppose I deserve that. Despite what you said about missing me the day of Michael and Vanessa’s wedding, I know you must still really resent me. I don’t blame you. I earned every bit of that resentment and anger and distrust. I just hope you do know that I love you.
Gabi
Dear Gabi,
I’m sorry about not answering your questions regarding Ricardo in my last letter. To be honest, I wasn’t quite sure what to tell you. He claims to have forgiven me, but I don’t think he’s really ready to move past this yet. He’s started drinking a lot, and he’s made no effort to find a new job. He was demoted from his job at the station, and his new position is as dead end as it can get, but he won’t quit. I try and talk to him often, but he keeps pushing everyone away. Mama, Maria and I are really worried about him. He doesn’t really seem to be angry with anyone, just depressed.
To answer your other questions, I would be happy to fill you in on what’s been happening in Sunset Beach. Maria is seeing a guy she met a few weeks ago, Ross English. Meg and Ben are very happy together, and he told me that they’re trying to have a baby. Sara and Casey have planned their wedding for two weeks from now. Michael and Vanessa are doing great, she asked about you the other day. Is it all right to give her your address? I’m sure Meg would want it, too. Everyone misses you, Gabi. Me most of all. You did, and you still do, belong here. I feel awful that I’m the reason you left.
I have to disagree with you about the last thing you said. You never caused me any pain, Gabi. Never. I caused myself whatever pain I felt, but you were not the source of it. Pain isn’t what touches everyone you care about, it’s love. I’ve told you before, and I’ll tell you again. You, Gabriella Martinez, are easy to love. I couldn’t help but fall in love with you, and neither could my brother. Mark loved you, too. I know that’s probably not the best example, but he was my best friend. We wrote a lot of letters, and he told me all about you. He loved you very much. I think just knowing you from his letters I was already half in love with you when I arrived in Sunset Beach.
Did I ever tell you how I realized that I was falling for you? You would really get a kick out of that story. Remind me to tell you sometime. I can’t wait to hear from you again, your letters are very quickly becoming the high points of my week.
Love,
Antonio
Antonio,
I’m very sorry to hear about Ricardo. It saddens me that he still can’t move on…I feel so useless, like I should be doing something to help him but I can’t because I’m not there. He needs help…I know. I remember what it felt like to be where he’s at now. Try and help him with your love; that’s what he did for me and it seemed to work. He needs support now, whether he admits it or not.
You can give my address to anyone that asks for it, I would love to hear from Meg or Vanessa or Maria. You’re very kind to say those things about me, Antonio. I can only hope they’re true. Reading what you wrote, about loving me, it made me so sad… and so happy. It feels good to finally have proof of what we shared. Before, it was almost like I could never be positive you felt what I felt. And even when I was, I couldn’t make sure that you knew I felt the same way. Does that make any sense? Reading back over it, it seems confusing, but I think you’ll understand what I mean. You always do.
I can’t wait for you to tell me about how you realized you were in love with me! I would love to hear about it, please tell me when you write back!!! I’m begging you! You’ve got me so curious now; I’m dying to hear it. Knowing you, I bet it’s something totally romantic and very sweet. I also think it’s sweet that Mark wrote about me to you. He was a very special man and he died much to soon. I know he would have made some woman deliriously happy. Not me, but some woman…just like you would have. If you hadn’t become a priest, of course. I can just imagine the kind of woman that you would have married. Sweet, intelligent, kind…
But that’s enough of the mushy stuff, I’m sure you’re tired of me going on and on about love and heartache. Do you know what I wish? I wish I had been born somewhere else, in a different place to different people and I wish that I could have grown up in Sunset Beach. Then we would have known each other, and I would have been there when you thought Maria had died…and you could have turned to me instead of the priesthood. You’re probably thinking that’s a silly wish, right? I mean, you love being a priest. I’m sure…no, I know you wouldn’t give it up for anything. I hope you’re still happy at St. Joseph’s. I know it must be hard for you, with everyone knowing what we did. Please, Antonio, don’t feel you have to keep things from me. Tell me how you are, how you’re doing. I really want to know.
Love,
Gabi
Dear Gabi,
All right, since you begged, I’ll tell you how I realized that I was in love with you. I started having these dreams. At first, I couldn’t tell who the woman that seemed to be haunting me was in the dream. All I knew was that she had the hands of an angel. Dear Lord, those hands drove me crazy. She would walk up behind me, I could never see her face, at least not at first, and she would touch me... run her hands over my arms, across my shoulders, over my face... it was driving me crazy. I didn’t even realize it but that was happening at the same time you and I were really getting close, becoming very good friends. The closer we got, the more erotic the dreams became. When I finally realized that it was you in the dreams, I nearly had a heart attack. That’s pretty much when the guilt started to really pile on. I couldn’t believe that me, Antonio Torres, a priest, was having sexy dreams about my brother’s girlfriend. And to top it off, I felt really awful because it was clear that you were head over heels for Ricardo and felt nothing for me ...at least until his birthday party, when I began to think that maybe you did feel something...and that only added to my guilt. I was depressed because you didn’t feel anything for me, and I was guilt ridden because I wanted you to when it was wrong. But that’s how I came to realize that I loved you. I didn’t think I would ever tell anyone this, especially you!
How is Paula doing? Are you close to finding a new place to live? I was thinking... there’s a meeting that I have to attend near San Francisco weekend after next... would you mind if I stopped in and visited you while I was there? I would really like to see you, Gabi, but I’ll understand if you think it’s too soon or something. I miss you.
Love,
Antonio
Dear
Gabi,
I’m sorry I didn’t
write sooner, I just didn’t know what
to say. I hope
Gabi,
This is Ricardo. I’m sorry
Dear
Gabi,
I want to forgive you
Antonio,
I would love for you to come see me!!! I found my own place yesterday, and I’ve already begun packing. I should be settled in by the time you get here. Paula said she’s sad to see me go, but we’ve become so much closer in the past month that I know the twenty-minute drive won’t keep us apart.
I can’t believe what you wrote about those dreams…it’s so amazing. Leave it to your subconscious to do something so romantic! You mentioned Ricardo’s last birthday party, you said that’s when you began to think I might have feelings for you. You’re right. When you held me while we danced, you looked into my eyes and it felt like the world just kind of slipped away. Like you and me were the only human beings in existence and everything was there for us. I had never felt anything like that before. It felt like you were holding me, touching me, making love to me with your eyes…it felt like that every time you looked at me. No one, not even Ricardo has ever made me feel like that. I love you, Antonio. I really hope you know how much.
I’m sorry this letter is so short, but I really have to get packing. I just couldn’t wait to tell you how much I’m looking forward to seeing you this weekend!
With all my heart,
Gabi
Gabi,
I just wanted
to let you know that Ill be in town around six pm Friday. I’m
staying until late Sunday, and the meeting shouldn’t
be but a few hours long, on Saturday. I can’t
wait to see you...I’m
counting the minutes until we can actually talk face to face again.
Antonio
Monday
Journal,
Antonio was here this weekend…all weekend. I can barely believe it now, I feel like I’m floating on air. It was so amazing… He kissed me! On Friday, when he came by my apartment…he kissed me…we kissed. It was long and slow and perfect…just like him. Perfect. He told me that he loved me before he left on Sunday, after he kissed me again. He said that he was going to come back and see me again, very soon. I can’t wait! Maybe…maybe he’ll leave the priesthood for me. We could be so happy together, I know it. I love him…I didn’t realize how much until after I left. While I was in Sunset Beach, my life revolved around Ricardo and making myself be happy with him. I never really had the chance to delve into what I felt for him, but now I can. I sort of feel like with these letters I’m getting to know a different Antonio Torres. I have to admit that I really like this Antonio.
I feel great today. And awful. My weekend with Gabi was so amazing. Just like I knew it would be. Dear Lord, if I hadn’t thought it was too soon, I would have made love to her when she asked me to stay with her Friday night. But I managed to resist that one last temptation, thank God. Now, though, the temptation isn’t wrong, it’s not forbidden anymore. So why did I keep it from Gabi? I meant to tell her...I really did. But...I couldn’t. I’ll tell her in my next letter. I have to.
Dear Gabi,
Why haven’t you written me???? Come on, Gabi. You PROMISED to write to me as soon as you got to San Francisco and I haven’t heard one word from you! I finally got Antonio to give me your address. He told me that you’re staying with your sister now, I think that’s wonderful. I’m really glad that you’ve had someone to help you, I know that it can’t be easy for you, being all alone in a big place like that.
Meg and Maria haven’t heard from you either. It seems like Antonio is the only one you’re talking to…is there something going on there? I know it’s none of my business, but I can’t help but wonder. I am a reporter after all; it’s my job to be curious. Actually, I’m still getting over the shock of finding out about you and Antonio being lovers. Everyone is. By now, most everyone in Sunset Beach knows about it, and it’s so hard for him. No wonder he left the priesthood. No one here can believe that he actually did it. That had to be hard for him, though, facing up to everyone after breaking his vows like that…but I know why he did it. He must have loved you very much.
Well, Gabi, all I have to say is you BETTER write me back or I’ll have to come up there myself!
Friends forever,
Vanessa Bourne
Dear Vanessa,
Thanks for writing; I’m really sorry I didn’t write to you sooner. I’ve just been busy getting settled and everything. I hope everything is going good for you and Michael, you two deserve some happiness after everything you’ve gone through to be together.
I’m doing well… Paula and I are getting to know each other, so at least I’m not completely alone here. She set me up with a good job as a secretary at the P.I. company that she works for. Her fiancé, Mark, is really nice too. They gave me a place to stay when I first got into town, and they really made me feel at home. Of course, no place will ever feel as like home to me as Sunset Beach.
I’m sorry I don’t have time to go into the details right now, but I’m busy and I just wanted to tell you that I’m doing fine and it’s really nice to hear from you. Thanks again for writing me!
Gabi
T,
Sorry,
but I have to cancel lunch, duty calls. I came by the mission to tell you,
but you weren’t
there so I figured you were probably back at Surf Central. Homeless now,
eh? You can always stay with me at the loft, if you don’t
mind a tight squeeze. Anyway, sorry I missed you and call me so we can
reschedule.
Ricardo
Antonio,
I don’t really know how to ask you this…but…Vanessa wrote me and said that you left the priesthood. Why didn’t you tell me, Antonio? When…why…please, give me some answers. I’m kind of confused. I thought that last weekend was special…but why didn’t you tell me you left the priesthood? We could have talked…about the future. If considering a future between us is something you want.
Please write me back…I love you, Antonio. It hurts to have you keep this from me.
Gabi
Dear Gabi,
I’m really sorry that you found out like that, from someone else. I wanted to tell you myself... I wanted to make it special. That’s the entire reason I was in San Francisco, to meet with the new archbishop about my resigning from the priesthood. It’s something I’ve been seriously considering since you left Sunset Beach, and on Friday, when I saw you again, I knew I had to do it. I met with him Saturday morning, and the official announcement of my leaving the priesthood has come through. I did because I finally realized that it just wasn’t right for me. Five years ago, when I was mourning my sister’s death, it was exactly what I needed, but now it’s just not enough. I need more in my life... I need you in my life. I love you, Gabi, and to answer your question, yes a future between us is something that I want to consider. I’m very sorry if I hurt you, not telling you right away, but there was no way to be sure that you wanted the same thing I did, and I really didn’t think I could take rejection from you. Can you forgive me for keeping this from you?
If you really think that we could have a future together, then maybe I could come up there again to see you. This weekend is too soon... but I could probably come next weekend. Let me know and I’ll arrange it.
Love,
Antonio
Dear Antonio,
Of course I can forgive you, and I would love it if you came to see me again. The sooner the better! I can’t believe you left the priesthood… wow. I dreamt of this for so long…you leaving the priesthood for me, but I never thought it would really happen. Do you think this could work? Us? Me and you, happy, together? You said a long time ago that if you were to leave the priesthood that it would always come between us.
Is that still true? Or has our love for each other grown enough to overcome it? Even if we can get through that…Antonio, you must know that I still love your brother. Not the way I love you, I could never love anyone the way I love you, but I do love him. I can’t just turn those feelings off, just like I couldn’t turn off my feelings for you when I tried to make a life with Ricardo. Can you accept that and still be happy with me? Are we strong enough to get past all of these things? Please tell me we are, Antonio…I love you so much. Just the dream of being with you for the rest of my life has me walking on air. Please write me soon, I can't wait to hear from you.
I love you,
Gabi
Journal,
I just got Gabi's letter. She's so amazing... I love her so much. Worrying about me, about how I feel... even now. Dear Lord, what did I ever do to deserve such a wonderful woman loving me? The only thing that's holding me back is Ricardo. I can see it in his eyes whenever anyone mentions her name, he wants her back. He still loves her. I know it. Can I blame him? She's amazing, of course I can't blame him. She says she still loves him, but not the way she loves me. I can understand that, I know what she feels for us is different. But which feeling is stronger? If Ricardo decides that he wants to get Gabi back, which one of us would win? Which one would lose... I'm almost afraid to ask. Maybe because I know the answer.
Journal,
I feel kind of silly writing in one of these. Antonio says it really helps him, but I just don't see how writing stuff down can make it any clearer. But, if it shuts him up, I will. I'm tired of people getting on my case about moving on, getting past this, healing. Who says I even want to heal? I know what I want to do, why can't they leave it alone? I want to sulk, I want to pout, I want to sink into depression. I want to lurk in the past for a while. Is that so bad? Shouldn't I be given time to remember how things used to be, to think about how I could have done things differently? Doesn't even deep down want that? So what's all of this crap about getting over her. I don't want to get over Gabi. I loved her. I still love her. For the past six months I've hated her. Now... now I don't really hate her that much. I can finally let myself feel the love that I have, down under all the pain. I want to feel that love for a while. It's not hurting me, so why won't T and Maria and Mama leave me alone? Dammit, I'm not a kid. I can take care of myself. Someone needs to tell them that.
You
know... Antonio might not have been so wrong. I do feel a little better.
Maybe I'll
do this again. Right after I write to Gabi.