"So, Ricardo's pretty excited about the ultra-sound next month," Antonio said out of no where.
"Ah, um, yeah, he is. Me too, actually. I had one before, but I didn't get a copy of it."
"I saw you two when the baby kicked," he said, confusing her with his tone. He seemed to want to say something more, his voice was deep, rich with meaning.
"Yeah, that was special," she said, looking at him.
He glanced at her, then looked back at the road. "He's really touched by all this. We were talking earlier, and he's just so proud of you. He really loves you a lot."
Gabi's eyes widened in amazement. "I-" she stopped, irritation rising. "Have I ever told you how much that bugs me?"
"What?"
"When you talk about how YOU feel about me by saying it's how Ricardo feels."
Antonio slowed the car as they approached Surf Central and looked at her questioningly. "What?" he asked as he turned the car off.
"You used to do it a lot, a long time ago, and it always irritated me so much."
"Gabi, what are you talking about? I'm telling you what Ricardo and I were discussing about you, I thought you would--"
"What, Antonio? You think I want
to hear that Ricardo loves me? I know that! I am sick to death of you shoving
me
into his arms! I can't be with Ricardo
when I'm in love with you!"
"Gabi--don't!" he exclaimed, slapping his hands over his ears in a self-defensive manner.
They were stopped in front of Surf Central, and Gabi, angry at him for his denials, grabbed the door handle and got out of the car as quickly as her pregnant body would allow her.
Antonio sat in the car for a full ten seconds muttering to himself, "Let her go, Antonio. Let her go! Let her be mad, it's better this way."
"Gabi," he called, jumping out of the car after her. "Gabi, Gabi! Wait!"
She stopped, not looking back at him. He came up behind her, his hands floundering in mid-air for a second before they grasped her upper arms. He pulled her back against him, desperation in his voice. "Why do you make me do this?"
"Do what?" she whispered.
"Make me hurt so much. Hurt you, hurt me, ah--dammit." His head came down on her shoulder, like it had at the mission when he'd hugged her there. She nestled her cheek against his soft hair. "You're not hurting me now," she said quietly.
"No," he whispered. "I'm hurting me."
"This hurts?" Gabi moved against him purposely, a little surprised by her own gall. She was trying to seduce a Priest, and she didn't feel nearly as bad as she should have.
He sucked in his breath, his hand tightening on her arms, his hips moving forward involuntarily. "Gabi, we...we aren't, ahhh..." he buried his face in her hair. "We aren't trapped somewhere thinking we're gonna die. It was wrong then, it's even more wrong now."
"Why did you come after me?"
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do." Gabi put her hand on his and pulled them down to rest on her belly. There they stood, Antonio in his vestments holding Gabi in his arms, in what looked like a very intimate, private moment to any onlooker. "Did you really feel sorry for me and Ricardo today or did you wish it was your hands feeling your baby move?"
"Oh, Gabi," he said, his heart in his throat. "You're killing me."
"Just tell the truth, Antonio. It's all the lies that hurt. It's been the lies all along. That's where the hurt comes from."
"The truth?"
"Would you know what it was if it slapped you in the face?" she asked gently.
"It's been beating the hell out of me since you turned up on my doorstep a week and a half ago." He caressed her stomach and pressed his face into her neck again before finding strength he didn't know he had and stepping away from her.
She turned to challenge him, not
saying anything, just looking at his face. The vunerability she saw made
her heart fill with love. How can you deny this, Antonio? she wanted to
ask, but she just let the silence envelope them.
He stood with his hands on his hips,
shifting uncomfortably. When his eyes finally met hers, he could think
of nothing but taking her in his arms again, only this time he'd never
let her go. He dug his fingers into the fabric of his pants and the flesh
of his hips, tightening until the pain was intense enough to leave a bruise.
"I have to go," he grated out.
"I know," she said sadly.
"Gabi don't hate me because I can't
give you what you want. I told you a long time ago, I couldn't make you
happy."
"I don't hate you, Antonio. I never
could," she said, pity and love in her eyes.
He looked away from her. "I gotta go," he repeated. "I'll see you tomorrow at the center." He ran back to the car and drove away.
******
Antonio knelt at the alter in his office at the rectory, unable to form words. He didn't know how to ask for forgiveness anymore. He didn't feel he could ask for it again and again for the same sin. When did his prayer become a false request for absolution instead of the heartfelt plea he used to beg with?
Every time he was with Gabi, he couldn't keep his hands off her. He could feel something shifting inside himself, but he was struggling to return to his previous state. There had always been moments when he'd ached to touch her, but he'd always, always resisted in the past. Since the minute he'd found her in his office almost two weeks before, he had been fighting a battle with his own heart. Every time he saw her, he weakened. Every time he thought of the baby, he felt a chill in his soul that threatened his peace of mind.
The anger he'd felt when he believed Maria was dead had returned full force when Gabi told him her baby would die. Once again, he was as helpless to do anything to prevent the tragedy as he had been when Maria disappeared. After he'd learned to manage his anger, when he'd entered the seminary, there had been one question he wanted answered. He'd wanted to know Maria was with God. He wanted to know it like he knew the sun would come up everyday, like he knew just when the wave leveled out so he could ride it perfectly, he wanted to know in the place inside him where there were no lies. That knowledge had never come, obviously, because Maria hadn't been dead. Now, as he watched the life Ricardo and Gabi had created together slip from their fingers, his desire to know that the baby would be with God had consumed him. All he could focus on was Gabi and how much he loved her and how there was no way he could spare her this pain.
His hands were clenched together,
his elbows resting on the alter, but he had no words for God. He had nothing
he could ask for that he hadn't asked for a thousand times over. He kept
hurting Gabi, he kept ripping his own heart out at every turn, and he was
sure he was a huge disappointment to his God. He couldn't be faithful,
he didn't have the faith, he didn't have the will he'd once had. He felt
like he had nothing, questioning all that he had ever been.