Antonio was driving, driving as fast as he could. He wasn't sure where he was going, but he knew that when he got there, he would know it. As he pushed the gas pedal even harder, he watched the speedometer glide past the speed limit, his mind wandered to what had just happened between him and Gabi. It had started out so innocently, she had come to visit him at the mission. A simple visit. But it had led to so much more.....
 

He heard the knock on the door to his room, and looked up.

"Come in." He called out. Gabi stepped into his room. His breath caught, as it always did when he saw her. She was so beautiful, it made his heart stop. Especially when he wasn't expecting to see her, like now.

"Hi Antonio." She spoke softly and he searched for his voice. He wondered why she was here. They had agreed that it would be best if they went thier seperate ways, but here she was, standing in the doorway of his room at the mission.

"Hi, Gabi." He said finally. "Do you need something?"

"I....yes, I do. Antonio...I need to talk. And you're my best friend. You're my only friend, the only one I can confide in about this, at least. Can I stay?" She asked him. She looked so desolate, so very alone, that he had to tell her she could.

"Of course. What do you need to talk about, Gabi? Is something wrong?" She walked over to him and sat down next to him, by the window.

"Not really. I just..." She looked at him with tears shining in her lovely eyes. "I miss you, Antonio. I know we said that we wouldn't meet in private anymore, but I really miss you. I don't think I can keep staying away." She turned so he couldn't see her tears, but he placed a hand on her chin, forcing her to face him again. He reached up, and with infinite gentleness, wiped a tear away.

He knew that he shouldn't have done it, it was like giving in, but he couldn't help himself. Seeing her sad, in pain, hurt him. He wanted so badly to comfort her, and he felt himself giving in.

"Gabi....it's just as hard for me." Her shoulders trembled as more tears fell from her face. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. He reveled in the emotions her proximity brought forth from him.

"But you're so much stronger than me." She spoke into his shirt, taking the scent of his cologne that she loved so much.

"Believe me, Gabi, I'm not strong." She raised her head to look at him, and when thier eyes met, he knew that he should end this before it began. It was wrong to torture themselves like this, but he was powerless. Her small, pink tongue ran over her lips, moistening her mouth and that simple action set him off. He lowered his mouth to her lips, seeing them part slightly in expectation of his kiss. A wave of lust ran thtough his body, even before thier lips met. And when they did, when he finally touched his mouth to hers, he felt like he was on fire. He ran his tongue over her swollen lips, opening her mouth to taste her, taking in every sweet taste. Her arms wound themselves around his neck, her hands sifting through his hair, caressing his back softly.

Gabi pulled her mouth away from his, and tasted his skin, nibbling softly on his earlobe, placing kisses on his jaw, the hollow of his throat, all the while, her hands undid the buttons of his shirt. When he couldn't stand it anymore, he pulled her face back up, and pressed his mouth against hers once again. She moved closer and closer still, until she was on his lap, and her unsteady fingers finally managed to rid him of his shirt. His hands roamed over her body, ending at thier destination when he found the hem of her short skirt. He could feel the heat of her against his hand, and it drove her wild, just as it did him.

"Oh, God, Antonio, don't stop!" His hand touched her softly, pressed against her, but then he removed it, pulling her even closer. They were still sitting, and Gabi rearranged herself so that her legs scissored around Antonio's waist. In that position, she could feel his arousal against her, and it excited her beyond belief. She could hardly believe that this was happening, although it was what she wanted for so long. Feeling that had been buried fopr so many months, since the cave in, resurfaced, and she wanted it so much she could hardly believe it. She moved her hand down, wanting to feel him, wanted to see for herself the effect she was having on him.

Passion made his eyes even darker than they usually were. He wanted Gabi, and he wanted her now. He stood abruptly, pulling her up with him, and he carried her to the bed, where he lay her down. He kissed her, a long, deep kiss that made both of thier feelings clear. He had just began to undress her when a knock was heard on the door. Both Gabi and Anotnio stopped what they were doing very quickly.

"T? You in there?" Ricardo's voice shocked the guilty lovers. Antonio coudn't believe his horrible luck. He had resisted the temptation Gabi had proved to be since February, and the one time he gave in, Ricardo interrupted. "Antonio? Come on, open up, bro!"

Throwing Gabi a long look, Antonio answered."I'm here, Ricardo. Give me a second. Uh....why don't you go to my office, and I'll be there in a second, okay?"

"Sure, whatever." They listened to Ricardo's receding footsteps. Antonio sat on the edge of the bed that Gabi still lay on and put his head in his hands. Then he turned to look at Gabi.
She didn't say anything, just stood and straightened her clothes.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, then she ran out of the door. He knew that following her would be a bad idea, and he let her run.
 

We both know that I shouldn't be here
This is wrong
And baby it's killing me, it's killing you
Both of us trying to be strong
I've got somewhere else to be
Promises to keep
Someone else who loves me
And trusts me fast asleep
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
He's been good to me
And he deserves better than that

After she left Antonio's room, Gabi had ran to her car and hopped in, furiously wiping tears off of her face. She couldn't believe that Ricardo had almost caught her and Antonio making love. In the mission, no less. How had she let that happen? When she took her wedding vows to Ricardo, she meant, with all her heart and soul, to keep them. But even since Ricardo had gotten out of the hospital, she had needed Antonio more than ever. Lately, Ricardo had been pressuring her to be a true wife to him, to share his bed, and she knew that his medical excuses wouldn't hold up for very much longer. That had been one thing she had meant to talk to Antonio about...but they had gotten a little side-tracked.

"Oh, God, why are you doing this happen to me?" She asked, looking up into the sky, which, very appropriately broke into a long bolt of lightening. She took it, and the crashing thunder that followed, to be her answer. God really did have a horriblly ironic sense of humor, she though wrly to herself. He gave her Ricrdo, a wonderful man that she didn't deserve, one that she should have loved, but didn't. Then He put Antonio,  man that she really did love, in her life, too, only to have her realize that she couldn't have Antonio. God had him, and Gabi would never be able to show him how much she loved him again.

Gabi's car swereved slightly, a reminder to keep her eyes on the road as the rain torrented down. She glanced around, realizing that she had no idea where she was heading. She hadn't given a second thought to direction since she had pulled out onto the highway. Then it hit her. Gabi knew exactly where she needed to go. If only Antonio were going there with her.....
 
 
 

Antonio watched her leave, then reluctantly, he pulled his shirt back on and prepared to face the husband of the woman he had almost slept with. For the second time.

Much to his surprise, when he arrived at his office, instead of Ricardo, there was a note on his door to great him.
 
 T,
    Had to run, the station paged me. Sorry, we can talk later.
       Ricardo

It was only then that Antonio remembered why Ricardo hda come. He had asked him to. He had wanted to talk about thier mother, or something. He wasn't quite sure now. Tearing the note off the door, Antonio threw it in the trash and headed out.

Now he was in the car, headed down the highway, going somewhere. He had no idea where he was going to end up...no idea what he would do. Then it hit him. He knew where he was headed.

He pulled up into the parking lot about half an hour later, and was extremely relieved to see that his instinct had been exactly right. Gabi's car sat in the driveway outside the cabin that they had visited once before. He smiled softly, looking into the window. He could see Gabi, sitting on the bed. Then his smile faded. She was crying, deep, soul shattering sobs. He felt his heart break at the sight. He knew that he should leave then. Staying would only lead to one thing, exactly what it had lead to earlier. But he couldn't let it. He had come here to talk to her, and let her know what they would have to do to save both of thier souls

It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion
When you start to cry
I can't let you see
What you mean to me
When my hands are tied
And my hearts not free
We're not meant to be
It's the hardest thing
I'll ever have to do
To turn around and walk away
Pretending I don't love you

Gabi was weeping on the bed, letting her pain out in tears, when  she heard the door open behind her. She turned hesitantly, and her heart brightened to see Antonio standing there. Wordlessly, he walked over to her, and took her into his arms. She held him as tight as she could, and he did the same, crushing her tiny frame against  him. She loved the way he held her, and she never wanted to leave to protective comfort of his embrace. He held her while she cried into his shirt, and when her tears eventually dried, she moved her head up to be able to look him in the eye.

"I'm so glad you came, Antonio. I need you so much." She whispered to him. He was unsetteled by the warm feel of her breath on his neck. As hard as it was for him to do, Antonio pushed her back. She looked at him, confused and hurt.

"Gabi," He began to speak."I love you, and you know that."

"And I love you." She interrupted.

"Yes, but, Gabi, Ricardo loves you, too." He stressed his brother's name." He loves you, and he needs you. Gabi, you are his wife. Not mine. And I belong to the church. I can't keep breaking my vows like I almost did earlier."

She realized then what he was trying to make her understand. And she didn't like it at all. She could not believe that he was doing this to her.

"But, Antonio, I don't love Ricardo, I love you! You can't do this to me." She broke down in tears again, but he knew that this time, he couldn't comfort her. Now, it would only make it worse.

"I'm sorry, Gabi. I'm so sorry." He left then. She needed time to accept what he had just told her. And so did he. Tears fell from his own eyes as he realized that he had just sealed his own fate. He already regretted breaking Gabi's heart. Because it wasn't just her heart he had broken, it was his own.
 

Maybe we'll meet again
Fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life
I've got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr. Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know
Cause there can be no happy ending
 

Antonio stayed out of sight as much as he could the next few weeks. He didn't want to add hurt Gabi anymore, and he was afraid that being around all the time would be a constant reminder of that they had almost had. It was actually as much for himself as it was for her. But, as much as he tried, he couldn't make himself stay away from Gabi. He often found himself stopping by the loft, just to see if she was home, or riding by the station when it was time for her to get off, just to see her walk to her car. He knew that he had to make himself stop seeing her...but it was so hard. He needed Gabi, and he knew she was feeling the same way. But he couldn't...he wouldn't allow himself to give in. He loved her enough to want her to continue on with out him.

Maybe another time, another day
As much as I want to, I can't stay
(Ooh)
I've made up my mind
There is no turning back
She's been good to me
And she deserves better than that

I don't want to live a lie
What can I do
 
 

The Hardest Thing (c) 98 Degrees

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